Watched Alcatraz and realised I had been greedy.

The latest instalment on our family Sky+ planner is Alcatraz. It is an American television series created by Elizabeth Sarnoff (who wrote stuff for Lost and Deadwood), Steven Lilien and Bryan Wynbrandt (both writers from Kyle XY).

Switching between eras, the series focuses on the Alcatraz prison, which was shut down in 1963, due to unsafe conditions for its prisoners and guards. However, both the prisoners and the guards disappeared and are now being tracked down by a secret government agency.... *ooooo* Produced by J. J. Abrams' Bad Robot Productions, the series stars Sarah Jones, Jorge Garcia (the big guy from Lost), Sam Neill and homegrown talent Parminder Nagra (the girl from Bend it like Beckham who isn’t Keira Knightly or Jonathan Rhys Meyers).

Now, enough about that, let’s take a step back, to the beginning. I’m a big fan of the American TV series genre; namely Heroes, The Wire, 24, Broadwalk Empire and Lost. They all have great casts, great scripts and really take you on their journey - like any non-ITV drama, oh I am cruel!

I had never seen a program like Lost before – it was my first TV love. In a contrast to the way I return to series like League of Gentleman (a comedy that is disgustingly brilliant) and The Mighty Boosh (Slap Bass Jazz Funk with Noel Fielding in a mirrorball suit) I don’t ever want to watch Lost again. It was perfect; it ended in a cloud of dispute from fans across the globe and left lots unanswered and most people confused – a bit like being dumped via text that reads “It’s over, sorry” after a long term relationship, perfectly unrequited. The way every fan wants it to be, they just don’t say that on a forum. If I watched it again, I think it’d be like looking through your first kiss’s facebook profile pictures from 1 to 192 – reverse Darwinian evolution, all manner of wrong.

I have watched one episode of Alcatraz, and I don’t ever want to watch it again - but this time for all the wrong reasons. Who’s this girl?! Where is Jack?! Where is my government agency scandal?! Where are ‘The Others’?! Why is Hugo from Lost here?!

I found myself wanting more twists and turns, and I think it is because – as a consumer – I have been corrupted by all the good work that was put in before I saw Alcatraz. My expectations were ridiculously high. I wanted more than 1 episode could possibly deliver. Has this become the way of all consumers in all markets? We all want more for less, that’s simple economics – not just a supermarket slogan. Gordon Gecko said “Greed is good” – so is greed also good in anything other than Wall Street? In a week where we’re all being told how much worse off we are (Thanks Mister Osbourne), at this stage, I can honestly say we are better off without Alcatraz.

The beauty of any story is to draw you in, submerse you in sympathy for the protagonist then walk with them (hand-in-hand) on their journey of self discovery. Not that it ruins anything, but all we get in terms of flashback from our female ‘Jack’ is that her (law enforcement) partner died. All I could think of was “Boohoo, now where’s Jack Bauer?” – is it a bad thing to have such high expectations? The ‘Government Agency’ is weak, and so far has 2 members and a prison – hardly intimidating or imposing. And why are ‘the world’s deadliest criminals’ so easy to catch?! It’s all too weak, get some balls: smash a plane into a tropical island in a time warp, be zombies, mutants or gangsters, be anything but boring. And don't just use episode 1 to build the most unlikely crime solving partnership in television history - save that of "Wheels and The Angel" from American Dad or Mitchell and Webb's Angel Summoner and BMX Bandit.

I realise I am being unreasonable, I’ll give it one more week to lure me in. But at least I have The Walking Dead to catch up on if I break out of Alcatraz’s lackluster grip. Note to self: I hate prison puns.