Watched Alcatraz and realised I had been greedy.

The latest instalment on our family Sky+ planner is Alcatraz. It is an American television series created by Elizabeth Sarnoff (who wrote stuff for Lost and Deadwood), Steven Lilien and Bryan Wynbrandt (both writers from Kyle XY).

Switching between eras, the series focuses on the Alcatraz prison, which was shut down in 1963, due to unsafe conditions for its prisoners and guards. However, both the prisoners and the guards disappeared and are now being tracked down by a secret government agency.... *ooooo* Produced by J. J. Abrams' Bad Robot Productions, the series stars Sarah Jones, Jorge Garcia (the big guy from Lost), Sam Neill and homegrown talent Parminder Nagra (the girl from Bend it like Beckham who isn’t Keira Knightly or Jonathan Rhys Meyers).

Now, enough about that, let’s take a step back, to the beginning. I’m a big fan of the American TV series genre; namely Heroes, The Wire, 24, Broadwalk Empire and Lost. They all have great casts, great scripts and really take you on their journey - like any non-ITV drama, oh I am cruel!

I had never seen a program like Lost before – it was my first TV love. In a contrast to the way I return to series like League of Gentleman (a comedy that is disgustingly brilliant) and The Mighty Boosh (Slap Bass Jazz Funk with Noel Fielding in a mirrorball suit) I don’t ever want to watch Lost again. It was perfect; it ended in a cloud of dispute from fans across the globe and left lots unanswered and most people confused – a bit like being dumped via text that reads “It’s over, sorry” after a long term relationship, perfectly unrequited. The way every fan wants it to be, they just don’t say that on a forum. If I watched it again, I think it’d be like looking through your first kiss’s facebook profile pictures from 1 to 192 – reverse Darwinian evolution, all manner of wrong.

I have watched one episode of Alcatraz, and I don’t ever want to watch it again - but this time for all the wrong reasons. Who’s this girl?! Where is Jack?! Where is my government agency scandal?! Where are ‘The Others’?! Why is Hugo from Lost here?!

I found myself wanting more twists and turns, and I think it is because – as a consumer – I have been corrupted by all the good work that was put in before I saw Alcatraz. My expectations were ridiculously high. I wanted more than 1 episode could possibly deliver. Has this become the way of all consumers in all markets? We all want more for less, that’s simple economics – not just a supermarket slogan. Gordon Gecko said “Greed is good” – so is greed also good in anything other than Wall Street? In a week where we’re all being told how much worse off we are (Thanks Mister Osbourne), at this stage, I can honestly say we are better off without Alcatraz.

The beauty of any story is to draw you in, submerse you in sympathy for the protagonist then walk with them (hand-in-hand) on their journey of self discovery. Not that it ruins anything, but all we get in terms of flashback from our female ‘Jack’ is that her (law enforcement) partner died. All I could think of was “Boohoo, now where’s Jack Bauer?” – is it a bad thing to have such high expectations? The ‘Government Agency’ is weak, and so far has 2 members and a prison – hardly intimidating or imposing. And why are ‘the world’s deadliest criminals’ so easy to catch?! It’s all too weak, get some balls: smash a plane into a tropical island in a time warp, be zombies, mutants or gangsters, be anything but boring. And don't just use episode 1 to build the most unlikely crime solving partnership in television history - save that of "Wheels and The Angel" from American Dad or Mitchell and Webb's Angel Summoner and BMX Bandit.

I realise I am being unreasonable, I’ll give it one more week to lure me in. But at least I have The Walking Dead to catch up on if I break out of Alcatraz’s lackluster grip. Note to self: I hate prison puns.

Turned my blog post about my London Adventure into a poem.

Why not try something new?

Blog about stuff in rhymes of two.

I’ve always had a knack with verses.

Quick witted couplets don’t need curses,

So I’ll keep it clean and try to be funny

And tell you how London took a lot of my money.

Thursday saw me see good, old faces

Whilst Friday took me to good, old places.

So I’ll start with the former, beginning at Foundation

Where Howie, Chrissy and I recalled in elation

That Alumni weekend is drawing nearer

(And we best book hotel rooms before it gets dearer).

From then it progressed into the usual chat

About how “the club’s changed” and where we were at

In jobs, love and hockey - is there much more?

Then to Soho we ventured - in seek of a door.

Taking a right onto Poland Street,

A buzzer pressed, a woman we meet.

She takes our coats, IDs and Chris’ money

And enter the 3 of us into Milk and Honey.

A setting requiring no banners or press,

It’s an American bar in a candle-lit dress.

No riff-raff. Members only,

Not for a bachelor or London's lonely. 

It has rules for gents, like don’t talk to a broad

As she’ll ask if she’s interested, and won't if she’s bored.

Put your hats on the hooks, just by the door,

Or see yourself leaving without touching the floor.

Cocktails and sausages, just a light snack,

For later we had Bodeon to attack.

Conversation continued in old leathered chairs

Whilst we discovered the joys of Devil’s Shares.

Bourbon, maple syrup, orange juice,

That delicious blend - it’ll leave you loose!

But after ribs, stacked burgers, and seeing double,

Off we went to Player - in search of more trouble.

We joined the cast of "Tinker, Tailor" -

Moustaches, odd hats and even a sailor.

Howie steering the ship, from up on the decks

As more alcohol slipped down turtle-necks.

Overnight intentions at Beckenham Junction

But the eye on the time became lazy in function.

We missed our train home by more than an hour,

The mood took a twist and we lacked the power

To resist a return to see our new pal Manuel,

Our M&H cocktail man - and all was well.

3am drinks and lowering lids

I had to mutter the phrase “Let’s go home kids”.

Work alarm goes off, rookie mistake.

But I hear the other two are wide awake,

They faced work in under an hour!

So I went in with Chris after having a shower

But still in the sweat of last night clothes

And I couldn’t quite fool a passer-bys’ nose.

Navigating London with my phone’s tube map

Might as well have been wearing a “London-noob” cap.

10am, Southbank with a whole school on a trip

Over Westminster bridge, past Big Ben I skip

On to the Abbey - no photos allowed -

But I left there for Whitehall, I just followed the crowd.

Take a snap of Winston,  then folly and lark

En route to Victoria Station, via St James Park.

1pm, Overground to grab my gear, 

No hangover, yet - every reason to cheer.

A change of dress, masking alcohol scent

“Thanks” to K&A, back to ‘the smoke’ I went

Juggling bags at Picadilly Circus, I’m there

Just in time to see BGT in Trafalgar Square.

Then headphones donned, feet now sore

The National Gallery  I began to explore.

It’s a place where you can lose hours of days. 

I advise you get a map, it’s an absolute maze.

West-end stage doors, streets to walk down

From there to arcades then China Town.

4pm, Cha Cha Moon  for dinner,

Then to Size? for a Braves’ snapback, finally. Winner!

Rendez-vous with J at Oxford Street Toppers.

Via typical routes for London's female shoppers

We arrive at The White Horse for a pint with V -

They are the £100k twins from MPD you see.

Exchanging stories over freshly served food and ale,

Then back on the train home with a sandwich now stale.

What fun I recall of these midweek jaunts

A tradition to continue, exploring new haunts.

Being a tourist in the homeland, London has treasures

To find and discover, satisfy all sorts of pleasures.

A hit for the wallet, but one worth taking.

London, calling, and memory making.

Eventually had a Super (8) Sunday

Forgive my lack of clever formatting or links in this week's blog. This is the first post I'm writing directly from my iPhone and I don't really like it, but I'm fast running out of time to write a post this week - having initially targeted a post a week. And if I go past midnight, bite me.

Having returned home this morning I found myself home alone, only a few things to do and otherwise a free Sunday afternoon. A rare treat for me.

So, surely with a free Sunday afternoon I would have been able to write something epic, awe inspiring and life changing; Sadly (probably) not, but I'll do my best with the time remaining.

I subscribe to lovefilm. If, like me, you suffer from a dwindling social life, sleeping trouble or periods of instant boredom, then you'll be on to a winner with this service. It's great and thoroughly recommend you trial it, even if you hate films (as you can also rent ps3 games, winner). Fast, easy to manage and you benefit from high turnover - unlike so many other things in life.

I found myself with 4 films to watch, all of which are fairly recent releases and to some degree had merited a place on my subscription lists, which I won't bore you with. I watched them in the order they arrived:

1. Red Riding Hood
2. Cowboys vs Aliens
3. Holy Rollers
4. Super 8

You'll note from the list seems random but I can (photographically) reassure you that this compilation is not the most odd thing I have received from lovefilm - as you'll denote from the attached picture (where someone has returned a copy of A Short Stay in Switzerland [a film about euthanasia] in a sleeve for a Jimmy Carr stand-up). Who would rent those 2 titles at the same time?!

Back to the matter in hand though. The beginning seems the best place to start...

Red Riding Hood: It's awful. Her dad is the werewolf. There, I've ruined it for you. The cast do their best to ruin it too, it just takes them 90 minutes to let you know that. It's hard to believe Gary Oldman can play characters which are so bad, when you see how fantastic he is in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier Spy! He's worse in this than he is in Bram Stoker's Dracula; yes, that bad. I re-watched the ending twice to make sure I didn't miss anything - turns out I didn't. Shame.

Now, to watch another film straight after that would surely seem to give the second film an unfair advantage. Ah, but the plot thickens...

Cowboys and Aliens: I was suspicious at the title's simplicity, surely there must be more to it than that?! I was looking for an action movie which would make me forget I had (in all seriousness) just watched a film with the girl from Mamma Mia in. But this has got Indiana Jones and James Bond in, it couldn't possibly make my day any worse could it?! But it did. It is rubbish, never have 2 genres clashed more horribly. Gold mining aliens?! I wanted Avatar-esque 'unobtainium' and a sense of ever evolving adventure not 'aliens are as greedy as we are, even in Westerns'. Instead of happily following what was ostensibly a 'bad guys do something good after being wronged' (vs. aliens) I just got bored, found the characters really dull and for the most part wanted the aliens to win so the film would end quicker.

I found myself asking "So why are they taking people?" - the aliens seemed happy enough to just smash people up into pieces one minute, but take hostages another. It's exactly what it says on the tin: cowboys (who make friends with indians, in the face of a common enemy - how touching) vs aliens (who have flying machines and massive guns, they could have killed the monster in Cloverfield, thats how kitted out they were). And it packs 0 punches, which given the cast is such a let down.

If you like westerns don't watch it. If you like sci-fi don't watch it. If you don't like either then this might just be the one for you.

2 bad films down. 2 films to go. 3rd times the charm and all that...

Holy Rollers: When you see the words "Based on true events" I'm thrown into the realms of suspicion. It's the basis for all exorcism films, makes you think it might happen. And that ties nicely into my review of this film: I would rather watch an exorcism film on repeat for the rest of my life than watch Holy Rollers again. I liked Jesse Eisenberg in Social Network, really rated him. Hence Holy Rollers made the cut.

The film is about drugs trafficking/dealing Jews. Yeah. It sounds like a comedy sketch, but it tries to expose a life lesson; be wary of how far you venture off the path, as you'll find it harder to know when or how to come back. I liked the portrayal of the relationship with his father, but beyond that it does not have much more to offer - unless you want an idiots guide of how not to be a Rabbi. It lacks the drugs glamour of films like Blow and as a result you aren't so easily pulled into the underworld - does Judaism have a hell equivalent?!

The trick to a good film is to keep you from thinking about the ending until the end of the film; this film fails to hide that. Too typical a story for effective adaptation - he cracks when things go wrong and it's obvious he's going to do that from the minute he gets exposed to trouble. Should have stuck to Rabbi training, would have made a better film.

So, one left. By this point I had expected Super 8 to complete the set - the four worst films in the world, ever. I didn't even know what a 'Super 8' was. For reference, Super 8mm film (or just Super 8) is a motion picture film format released by Eastman Kodak in 1965.

But, at last, this was the plot-twist in my day that my commitment to non-physical activity deserved!

Super 8: It's brilliant. A great Sunday film. A tale that starts with loss and enemies; a great young cast, all the trademark monster movie moments and it reminded me of the times when you and your friends used to be inseparable. It made me think of what weekends were supposed to be about!

I won't ruin this film by giving the plot away. I'll let you discover it for yourselves. Hey, you can trial lovefilm for free just make sure you rent the right films - that way your Sundays* can be Super (8) too.

*doesn't have to be Sundays.